I just want you all to know that I am writing this week’s Betches Vanderpump Rules recap from my Airbnb at Coachella, which is both a humble brag and a message to you that I am really putting on for my fans. So don’t ever say I don’t care!

Last week, Beau felt battered, Schwartz’s check bounced, nobody wanted to come to Raquel’s puppy party, and Raquel doesn’t know who Charles Manson is (and presumably doesn’t have Google). I also want to take the time to say that while on the west coast, I visited both Sur and Pump! The drinks at Sur were good (I got a $7 vodka cocktail with muddled strawberries during happy hour, which would have regularly been $14), the goat cheese balls were very overrated, and the calamari was exactly what you’d expect from calamari. The decor was also impossibly cheesy and we sat next to a fake birdcage that existed for unknown reasons. At Pump, however, I got dinner (a burger—it did its job), but the service was abysmal. I practically had to hunt down the waiter’s friends and family in order to get him to finally give us our check.

Anyway! Back to the recap.

We open with a very overly produced scene about the gang at Sur coming around corners and yelling “CORNER!” to prove they work there. Methinks the ladies doth protest too much.

We learn that after “taking” See You Next Tuesday from James (really, all she did was organize a replacement for an event that was already DOA), Katie decides she doesn’t want to “be a club promoter,” and for that reason, she doesn’t want to make Girl’s Nights a regular occurrence. It’s too much work for her, apparently, on top of her fake beauty blog business. This is just twisting the knife in James’s already salted wound.

James goes to Sandoval and Ariana’s place, where Sandoval is playing a penis flute. Unfortunately that’s not a metaphor for him blowing Schwartz—it’s actually what is happening.

James sh*t talks the Mexico trip, like he never wanted to go in the first place. You know, how you reject a guy and then he says “f*ck you bitch, I never liked you anyway, you’re fat and ugly”? Exactly like that. James accurately predicts that Schwartz and Katie probably fought the whole time in Mexico, but calls them a “fat old married couple”. Wow, fatness really is his go-to insult, huh? I’ve got to wonder why he is so preoccupied with other people’s weight.

Sandoval and Ariana break the news that James isn’t DJing at Brunch with Billie. But didn’t Lisa already tell him? Also, why are Ariana and Sandoval the ones to tell him this? Should that not be Lisa’s job?

James: This is bullsh*t *leaves the apartment, slamming the door*
Also James, 2 seconds later: No you know what? I just think it’s funny how…

They try to explain to James that since he’s f*cked up before, he’s under a microscope. Unlike everyone else who has f*cked up: Jax, Katie, Lala… hmm.

Stassi is shooting the cover of her book, which I interviewed her about, so that’s coming soon. That’s all I’m gonna say on that.

I guess I’ve kind of missed Stassi’s whole “dark passenger” thing. Is that like, her terrible person alter ego? Should she like… see someone about that? I feel like she should see someone about that. And by someone I mean a mental health professional, not some voodoo wizard, which is what happens later in the episode. I guess I should have been more specific in my earlier advice.

Katie of all people is talking to Beau about self-sabotaging. AND KATIE OF ALL PEOPLE talks about how if Stassi keeps lashing out, she’s going to end up losing the love of her life. I will just frame that irony and let it sit there for y’all. These jokes write themselves at this point, and for that, I am thankful.

Jax and Brittany return to fake therapy, where Brittany brings up that she still has some trust issues. Issues trusting a serial cheating sociopath? I can’t imagine why. Jax says flippantly that she yells at Brittany because “she’s just there”. Sounds like a healthy relationship.

Jax: I’m not saying ‘well I’ve changed! I’m doing better for myself’
Also Jax every single episode before that: I’ve changed, I’m a new person
Everyone Jax has come into contact with: Jax is changed, he’s a new person
Me:

Kristen and Ariana are getting drinks together, which everyone including Sandoval recognizes is very weird. Ariana tells Kristen that it’s the 5 year anniversary of her dad’s death, and Kristen full-on grief tourists this and kind of makes it about her. But I applaud Kristen for acknowledging that she was acting like an asshole and was super selfish back then. Which is more than most of these degenerates can say!

I hate that we get back from commercial break and we are playing Lala’s song, because it means she is getting ready for her show, while she is wearing a shirt of her own face. Confidence goals, or peak narcissism? Lala claims she has cameras set up to live stream the performance because record labels are tuning in. Somehow I doubt that, and by “somehow” I mean “because they are in Los Angeles where most record labels are based and they could easily send someone, an intern or somebody, if they actually wanted to see Lala’s performance.” But how could I forget she is charting on iTunes!

Everyone starts arriving, and don’t think I didn’t notice Jax announcing that he’s ready to celebrate because he finally had a solid poop. Nothing gets past me!

Randall isn’t making it to the party because he can’t contractually be seen with Lala on camera he’s taking his daughters to the Bahamas. But sure, tell me again how supportive he is.

Scheana has somehow inserted herself as a part of Lala’s entourage. Her big contribution is telling Lala to wear a blazer unbuttoned with just a bra underneath. Classic Scheana.

Lala: This show is important to me because I’m releasing a song I wrote about my dad.
Lala at that very moment: *takes her blazer off to reveal just her bra*

I’m just saying if my dad died and I honored him by wearing only a bra in public, he would smite me down from that stage. But Lala does dedicate the song to Jax and Ariana, which is sweet.

Lala and Stassi actually have an honest conversation about alcohol and how it turns Stassi into a monster. This is approaching something towards enlightenment. Then again, there is a whole chapter in Stassi’s book dedicated to how to drink from 10am continuously onto 11pm. Yes, really.

Ariana and Sandoval talk about the moment that Ariana’s dad died, and it’s kind of funny because they’re both trying to act like they didn’t have feelings for each other at that point. It’s not a big deal, you don’t need to rewrite history! We all know what we saw! My favorite moment is probably Ariana saying, through tears, “let’s take a shot for my dad.”

James and Raquel’s puppy party is happening, apparently. So far Raquel’s mom and sister (who look identical) are there. Scheana comes with Adam, probably at knifepoint, Billie comes with Brad, and Graham poops in the middle of the floor. A strong metaphor.

Tom and Ariana do come, along with Peter, who promptly gets hit on by Raquel’s mom.

Actual footage of Raquel’s mom:

Back at Sur where the gang is working their one required shift per season, Lala pulls Scheana aside to tell her that she has a serious problem with alcohol. She admits her anxiety attack in Mexico was 100% driven by alcohol and uppers. She does the most mature thing anyone has ever done in the history of this show and says she can’t mess with alcohol, and this has to be a lifestyle change for her. And you know what, good for Lala. They should all probably be doing the same thing. Lala is all of us, crying, pledging to give up alcohol, dropping some emotional revelation, and then saying “I’m on my period too so this is probably why I’m so upset.” Literally me after I cry about my lack of love life and listen to Khalid’s new album on repeat for four hours. What? Who said that?

Katie and Schwartz drive to the bank to pull out the money Lisa needs for the investment IN CASH. This is literally so typical Schwartzy because instead of actually just doing what is asked to him, he decides to do some unnecessary grand gesture that he saw in a movie that’s clearly just going to make him seem even more immature. Like, why not just get a cashier’s check like a normal adult, that way you don’t have to look over your shoulder for stray muggers? Then again, I doubt Schwartz even knows what those are.

Katie is taking Stassi to see “the oracle of Los Angeles”—I guess there’s only one. I suppose getting your demons literally exorcised is one way to avoid going to therapy. Full disclosure, I am in no way into this type of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo, so I may just skip recapping that part of the episode altogether.

Just kidding, I live to please! And also I’ve been stuck at LAX for the past five hours because Jet Blue kept delaying my flight. LAX is a hellscape and Jet Blue Airlines is Hades. Please send your thoughts and prayers.

Anyway, yeah, so Schwartz is going to hand deliver a briefcase full of cash to Lisa, imagining himself as James Bond, which definitely does not convince me that he is a legitimate and responsible business owner. Schwartz literally rolls up to interrupt Lisa and Ken’s dinner by saying “I wanted to show you that I’m serious” *opens up a briefcase of cash*. Oh, and I’m just now noticing that there are handcuffs on the briefcase for some reason—and I notice that because he handcuffs Lisa to the briefcase.

What, and I cannot stress this enough, the f*ck.

Stassi goes up to the Oracle of Los Angeles’s house, and she’s dressed exactly like I would have thought the Oracle of Los Angeles would. This bitch would fit right in at Coachella. Is she gonna be there weekend two?

I literally STILL can’t believe that Stassi’s solution to dealing with her anger issues is to see a f*cking oracle. Also hearing Katie tell Stassi that if things aren’t going her way it just becomes an issue where everyone is the bad guy is the craziest, richest, most hypocritical soundbite I have ever heard in my life.

Me to Katie:

The Oracle picks up a framed photo of Stassi and Beau and says “it looks like there’s a lot of love between you.” Yeah, no sh*t, lady, you picked up a PicStitch of their most couple-y photos. If I buy a tiny penis statue and state the obvious, can I be an Oracle too? If it means I can go back to Coachella, I’m there. I’m sure there is some overarching meaning behind the multiple penis motifs this episode, but I am far too sleep-deprived to try to find it.

Yeah I mean so this is totally not going to work at all and I’m sure the next time Stassi takes tequila shots she is going to lash out at Beau. Why? Because this is hocus pocus bullsh*t!

Me to the Oracle: 

Well, I missed the ending because I totally zoned out because this is all pointless anyway. Whatever! See you all next week!

Images: Bravo (3); Giphy (4)