So apparently I offended some of you dear readers last week when I didn’t recap the last literal three minutes of Vanderpump Rules, when nothing ever happens anyway. I want you all to know that this week I will be recapping the FULL show, from start to finish, plus commercials. These recaps are constantly in danger of getting cut because nobody reads them anyway, but damn it, I live to serve my audience.

Y’all: Dance, money, dance!
Me: What style? Contemporary? Hip-hop? Salsa? Waltz?

Just kidding about the commercials, obviously. We’ve made it to episode 20 of season 7, which by my calculations, means this snoozefest of a season should be over soon. Thank god.

We open at SUR, where Ariana is helping to set up for Brunch with Billie. Sandoval is “supervising” Ariana, and by that I mean he’s just watching her and critiquing her form but not helping. Just like every man ever.

Lisa comes up to talk sh*t about Schwartz and says “has he never heard of a cashier’s check”? That’s what I said last week! For some reason this legitimate criticism annoys Ariana, who thinks Lisa has been picking on the Toms. I don’t think she’s been picking on them so much as she has been pointing out their legitimate shortcomings, but ok.

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, it’s a meeting of the minds families at Jax and Brittany’s. I don’t know what’s funnier about Jax saving a Fireball bottle of his dad’s: that Jax kept it, that he wrote a note to himself on the bottle not to drink it, or that a grown man (may he rest in peace) was drinking Fireball by choice.

Jax wants to impress Brittany’s father without actually apologizing or owning up for his past actions. Jax’s ways of impressing Brittany’s dad goes as follows: bragging about putting together the furniture (that he didn’t put together) and bringing up how he donated money to help Brittany’s sister-in-law get IVF. Not, ya know, talking about how much he loves Brittany and how well he is going to treat her or anything. Just that he “bought Brittany’s brother a baby”—his words, not mine! Very classy, not at all tacky!

As the whole family gathers together, Jax interrupts to grab a box, which I presume contains his dad’s ashes??? To be like “wait, wait, my dad’s here too!”

When my dad dies, he has already requested that we take him to a taxidermist to get him stuffed so we can take him to our important life events, so I get it.

Kidding!

Back at SUR, Scheana has progressed to the “stealing Adam’s shirt” phase, and he’s like “Please give it back.” Scheana tells him that she’s going to go on a date and he’s like “Oh god, thank you. PLEASE go.”

Adam: I don’t care if you date other guys
Adam: In fact I WANT you to date other guys
Scheana: I’m going to go on a date with another guy to make Adam jealous

At this point she is just too willfully ignorant for me to even try to argue.

Scheana tries to DTR (but I thought she didn’t want a relationship!) by saying “If I don’t want you to date other people and you don’t want me to date other people then why aren’t we just dating?” And that crashes and burns. I don’t think Adam could give less of a sh*t about Scheana if he wrote “I DO NOT GIVE A F*CK ABOUT YOU” on his forehead. God, it is painful to watch. But it also gives me a (very low) bar against which to judge my own relationship craziness. For that, I am thankful.

Brittany goes wedding dress shopping with Stassi, Kristen, and Katie. They’re all pretending like they don’t know that they are going to be bridesmaids, as if Brittany has any other close friends on this show in Los Angeles! Seriously, without the Witches of Weho, who else is left? Maybe that guy Zack?

Did anyone else notice how Bravo scored this scene of Brittany looking at wedding dresses with creepy dystopian fairytale music? It’s really adding to the deranged atmosphere. Again, thankful. Very fitting as I write this on Easter Sunday.

Katie tells Stassi she’s next to get married. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I would ship this! Katie brings up the fact that this time last year, Jax and Brittany were broken up (because he cheated on her). Sherri says “me and Mamaw never gave up on Jax”. Of course she didn’t—hitching her wagon to Jax Taylor is her one shot at fame and becoming a Kentucky Kris Jenner. She’d never give up that pipe dream, Brittany’s treatment be damned.

Meanwhile, Jax and his sister finally spill the tea about their mom. Finally! I’ve only been waiting all season!! They’re both upset that she didn’t tell them their dad was in the ICU and they didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to their father. I get that. It’s also pretty heartbreaking to see Jax hold a grudge against his mom and effectively nuke his relationship with his one living parent. Anyway, he and his sister are getting matching tattoos. I don’t have any comment—at least it’s not a giant portrait of Stassi’s face.

Uh oh… We have a Stassi face tattoo. I repeat, WE HAVE A STASSI FACE TATTOO. #PumpRules #Jaxed pic.twitter.com/i7lxbDQI90

— Real Housewives (@telfieRealHW) March 17, 2015

Back at the bridal salon, Kristen is really campaigning hard for the Maid of Honor job, saying that Brittany is the “light of her life”. Unfortunately, Brittany has known for a while now that her good friend from back home, Cara, is going to be her maid of honor. And then Brittany asks Katie to be her Matron of Honor on top of that!

Ohhh I hope Kristen gets wasted off this free champagne and has a total emotional meltdown over this rejection.

The next day (or however time works in this show), James goes into SUR to talk to Lisa, presumably about getting his job back. Yep, I’m right! He wants to talk about bringing an astrology laser to mount on the ceiling to make it a space party. First of all, what? Second of all, Lisa is like, “You do understand that you don’t work here?” Astrology lasers won’t fix your drinking problem, James!

Lisa expresses that it’s not going to happen, lasers or no. And James, the picture of maturity, starts immediately crying, whining, and throwing a tantrum. He also admits that he’s “had a few beers” but says “that’s not really drinking.” Okay, like, YES, I say that having a few beers isn’t really drinking when I am talking about how I “mostly stayed in” on Friday, but I’m not an alcoholic—and more importantly, my employment does not hinge upon my complete sobriety! Thank god, or I’d be living in a cardboard box on the streets at this point.

The gang (Ariana, Sandoval, Kristen, and Stassi) are getting drinks. Ariana is pissed because she thinks Lisa is publicly undermining the Toms, in the media and elsewhere. Lisa, being underhanded and shady? Never! The weird thing is that Ariana is kind of taking this selfishly as an affront to her, because she thinks it reflects poorly on her to be dating someone Lisa sees as an idiot? I don’t know. I don’t get that angle, but I do get the angle of supporting your boyfriend and not wanting his business partner to trash him publicly.

Adam joins the night out while Scheana is on a date. Adam admits, ONCE AGAIN, that he doesn’t give a f*ck. Stassi says the nicest thing she’s ever said about Scheana, which is, “I want you to care because Scheana really likes you.”

Oh god, Scheana is in full mid-life crisis mode, going out with a 25-year-old to try to make Adam jealous. And posting about it on Instagram in the hopes that Adam will see it and get jealous. Y I K E S. I might just cringe myself into an early grave. If spontaneous combustion is possible, I’m about to do it because I am that physically uncomfortable watching Scheana be a thirst monster general. Unprompted, she asks Eddie if he ever had a threesome and then is bragging about how she hooked up with the entire pro athlete population of Los Angeles. Do you (or them), but bragging about it doesn’t make you look cool—it just makes you look desperate for bringing it up years later.

Scheana: I’ve never been the girl who’s like ‘I need to get married and have kids’

Um, are any of you guys hearing this? Scheana “when I was marrying Shay I was thinking about Rob” Shay has “never been the girl” who needs to get married? SCHEANA? Scheana. And I sh*t you not, in the very next breath she asks this literal child if he wants a girlfriend. SCHEANA. The girl who “wants to be independent”. Is this performative satire? It must be. Otherwise I truly cannot believe that a person who is alive on this earth is not only that un-self-aware, but actually believes the opposite of everything their actions and words prove.

Lala shows up to TomTom to talk to Lisa, and I actually have no idea why. Lisa, in the gentlest way, tells Lala that she understands she experienced a loss but she can’t lash out at people. She also tries to push Lala to be James’ friend again. Ah, so that’s why we are here.

Wait, is Brittany having a bridal shower at Pump? Maybe Jax should bartend it to save money. P.S., f*ckin nailed it calling Zack as a bridesmaid. So Brittany invited a bunch of people to Pump to live reveal who’s going to be a bridesmaid and who’s going to be Maid of Honor. That seems unnecessarily harsh. Poor Kristen is going to have a meltdown. I guess all the hours of footage of Kristen calling Brittany “my Brittany” wasn’t good enough to get her promoted to MOH? Shocking. Also actually shocking is that Scheana is there, and a bridesmaid.

James and Lala talk at Pump. Lala basically is like “Lisa is making me talk to you, so where’s your head at?” Lala is giving James her typical Lala pump-up speech, and James is barely paying attention.

Lala: If you ever need someone I’m here for you.
James: k.

Back at Brittany’s bridal shower or whatever tf it is, Scheana is texting Adam, who is now salty that she went out with another guy? I’m confused. I guess he finally realized he needs to pretend to care about Scheana in order to stay on this show? Scheana is now crying at this brunch because she’s losing a “best friend.” Why do I feel like she and Adam were never best friends and Scheana was just content to thirst after him all the time and call him her BFF? Oh right, because that’s a common trope among guy/girl friendships, in either direction. Whatever, it feels applicable here.

Meanwhile, Jax is getting hazed by Brittany’s family, essentially. Brittany’s dad confronts Jax about being faithful. Why does Brittany’s dad have the biggest backbone of anybody on this show? Being like, “I know you lost your dad but you really f*cked up.”

Jax: I know I really screwed up but how many times do you have to give me the third degree?

^Literally Jax when someone calls him out on his bullsh*t one time or more.

Also Jax two seconds later: Oh you can’t go on the bachelor trip, bad things are going to happen on that trip.

Jax also says that he loves Brittany, but he’s always going to take care of himself first. F*ckingggg yikes. Maybe that’s the exact opposite thing you should say to your fiancée’s family when they are talking about how you need to step it up and be there for Brittany? I’m not married, so I don’t know how these things work, but aren’t you guys supposed to be a team? That’s not snark, BTW, it’s a genuine question. Like, I don’t want to consider another person’s feelings before my own, which is why I am single.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my FULL recap. Now I think somebody should go check on Adam to make sure Scheana is giving him regular food, water, and bathroom access while he is tied up in her basement!

Images: Bravo; Giphy (3)