A Bro’s Breakdown Of Hannah B’s ‘Bachelorette’ Contestants Betches
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for years. When I first started, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs and Instagram couldn’t help a person pay rent. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were follower thirsty. The last few seasons they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to find a way to write “influencer” thirty different ways. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor cafe while we make fun of the people who walk past except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid), where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
So I can’t really remember a more hated bachelorette. Becca had the public behind her because she got dumped so brutally by Arie. Rachel was liked by everyone plus she was the first black bachelorette so that added a lot of positive social momentum. And JoJo was, and will always be, my… I mean, OUR queen.
The problem with Hannah is that she’s not “us.” And what I mean by “us” is that she’s not relatable to anyone who watches the show. She was the 2018 Miss Alabama USA. Come on. Beauty pageant winner is the least relatable person alive. At one point in her life someone was like “Your so hot we gotta make you compete against other hot people to see who’s hottest!” And then she got trained in the pageant world. So not only is she this gorgeous woman but now she has this really defined view on what makes good manners and class that none of us even know. You saw it on the show with Colton. There was one moment she claimed that she couldn’t handle a man she’s dating being with other women. Well Hannah, that’s literally the show.
It didn’t help matters that when she was revealed as the Bachelorette and introduced to some of the guys, she couldn’t even put a sentence together. She literally sounded like the Charlie Brown parents. We all sat there thinking “Didn’t she do pageants?! Shouldn’t she be good at all of this stuff?!”
So now we’re all kind of here thinking she skated by on looks and her pageant talent was communicating via weird noises that aren’t words.
Let’s meet the men Hannah will correct on how to hold a fork at a fine dining event.
Brian is a 30-year-old math teacher from Kentucky who calls himself a “pun and sarcasm enthusiast.” I really don’t like anyone that considers themselves an enthusiast about anything. Especially for puns and sarcasm. One minute they’re like “Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula!” And you’re like “This is fun!” And the next minute they’re like “How many Jews are too many in this country?!” And you’re like “WHAT?” And they’re like “I’m sarcastic!! Everyone’s so sensitive now!”
Cam is a 30-year-old from Austin who does software sales. This is one of those bios that sounds more important than it actually is. Like he could easily say he “works in tech in Austin” at a bar on Rainey street and convince a girl on a bachelor party that he’s someone important. Here’s the reality, everyone in Austin works in software sales. Dell Computers was the first tech company to set up shop there and then everyone made some money and started spinning off their own companies. The women in Austin are rolling their eyes at Cam. They call it “Never Never Land” because the men don’t want to grow up. A guy saying he lives in Austin to work in software sales is like someone saying they got on a cruise ship to get to an island. Cam lives and works in Austin because nobody cares that you still rent at 30.
Chasen is a-27 year-old pilot who won’t win, but viewers will LOVE. The audience loves men with jobs they learned about in elementary school. But his name is Chasen. I can’t imagine a man over the age of nine with the name Chasen. It sounds like the name of a kid whose mom would yell “Chasen! Honey! You know you can’t eat peanuts! You’re allergic! Come here! Mommy has a gluten free lettuce wrap with sprouts! You love sprouts! Now come here and say goodbye to your friend Greyson!!”
Conner J is a 28-year-old sales manager from California whose grandmother says “deserves a sexy woman who is ready to give her grandkids.” That’s one of those statements none of us want to hear a grandmother say. In fact, when I read it, I imagined an old woman crouched over pointing at Conner J’s balls like she was a barker at a carnival. “Come right up ladies!! I’m gonna need you to be sexy and fertile for my boy here!! Gimmie those grandkids!!! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!!!” Was that Conner’s grandma or my mom at temple on the high holidays? I’m not sure.
Connor S is a 24-year-old investment analyst from Dallas who refers to himself as a “Travel junkie.” A “travel junkie?!” At 24?! That’s an insult to junkies. Was there a Disney cruise his parents brought him on that made him this so-called junkie?! Homeless people doing sexual favors for drugs didn’t get that way after one line of coke. They didn’t snort one line, turn to their friends and say “Welp! Time to dance on a piece of cardboard for the rest of my life!” You had a good time doing a semester abroad in an English-speaking country Conner. That’s it.
Daron is a 25-year-old IT Consultant from Atlanta who says he’s a giant teddy bear. I can’t disagree with that. Ever see someone you just want to hug? Like you’re out on the street and they’re a bit bigger and beefier and they’re in a puffy coat and you think, “I wish I could hug this person non-sexually and fall asleep in their arms for 10 minutes?!” Well that’s Daron for me. And guess what?! You can see Daron and I presenting our business “Bonerless Hugs” on the season finale of Shark Tank NEXT WEEK!
Devin is a 27-year-old talent manager from California. Imagine moving to LA to be an actor. You’ve given up everything. You’re take acting classes, working horrible jobs, and you deal with the embarrassment of everyone telling you how little chance you have of “making it.” Then you get a manager, his name is Devin, he’s got a weird part shaved into his head but that means he must be VERY Hollywood. It feels like you’re finally making headway. Your mom comes to visit and she cautiously asks how the acting is going and you confidently respond, “It’s great! I finally have a manager. I actually have to call him about our next steps now. I’m sure he’s got a few scripts for me to read.” Then you call his office and there’s no answer. So you try his cell. He picks up. He’s breathing heavy. He screams “HEY. I CANT TALK RIGHT NOW. WE’RE MUD WRESTLING ON THIS GROUP DATE! I’ll CALL YOU BACK!” Devin hangs up. You keep the phone to your ear. Your mom is looking at you. Wide-eyed. Excited. You say into the phone, “Sounds great. Email me the script.”
How dare you, Devin. How dare you.
Dustin is a 30-year-old real estate broker from Chicago. Dustin’s bio says the following:
The son of a single mom, Dustin says that if a woman wants to be with him, she’ll definitely need mom’s approval first.
The reason for this bio is that the key to sticking around an extra week is having any type of struggle. So we’re definitely meeting Dustin’s mom during episode one. And she’s going to do a teary eyed interview where she whispers “That’s my babay.” But it’s funny that this even needs to be said. Oh you’d like your mom’s approval?! I planned on bringing home my girlfriend and saying “This is Jess! You get what you get you old bag!!”
Dylan is a 24-year-old tech entrepreneur from San Diego, who has a boat and started a company where people can work out while giving food to those in need. Or if you’re a normal person you read that as “Rich rich rich, rich rich. Rich rich loaded. My parents have generational wealth.”
Dylan is so rich that he’s 24 and he’s about to take a two-month vacation away from his new business. A business that sounds like the idea of an idealistic third grader; “And we’ll have a gym. And it’ll have food. And every time someone does a squat a gumdrop will come out of their butt to feed the homeless!!”
Garrett is a 27-year-old golf pro from Birmingham, Alabama whose sister-in-law signed him up because she thought he had a lot in common with Hannah. It’s weird to get set up with someone but can you imagine your sister-in-law being like, “I have the best girl for you!” And you’re like “Awesome! Let’s see a picture.” And then she’s like “Let’s watch the whole season!!” And you’re like “What?!” And then you realize your sister-in-law had a baby and lost all contact with her friends and she’s so crazy that she thinks she has the ability to set you up with someone she watched on TV. So instead of finding his sister-in-law help, Garrett went with it and is now on the show.
So Grant is unemployed and his bio says he hates a bunch of things that the internet has decided it’s ok to hate (i.e. CrossFit). He also plans on calling people out. Grant came on for fame I’m totally fine with that. There’s two ways these guys go. The less fun way is when they act like they’re actually trying to get the girl and they get annoying and we all know they won’t win. The best way is when they act as an on-camera producer. They gossip. They wink at the audience during interviews. They pit two men taking themselves way too seriously on a dating show against one another for our enjoyment. I’m hoping Grant is a man of the people and creates some action.
Hunter is a 24-year-old pro surfer who lives with his parents and isn’t getting past the first week. Hannah just doesn’t seem like the type to hear that and even keep the conversation going. I can imagine her saying “Oh! A pro surfer!! Coooooool.” And while she was saying the elongated “cool” she’s turning and walking away while a dejected Hunter daydreams of a gnarly rip-curl.
Jed is a 25-year-old singer/songwriter from Nashville Tennessee and he might have the worst neck to head size ratio I’ve ever seen. He looks like a centaur except it’s part giraffe, part Jed’s head.
I’m excited for Jed to make it pretty far then come back next season as the band they freak out about as if they’re famous while we all sit at home and whisper as a nation,”Who?!”
Joe is 30 and refers to himself as “The Box King” because he works at his family’s box company (Honestly, Joe seems like the type to say “They call me the box king” and then stick his tongue out before whispering “Oral.”). Joe enjoys going to Vegas and club hoping. Reading “Enjoys Vegas and club hoping” on a dating app is worse to me than reading “Sometimes I forget to take the pill!”
I think this show might kill Joe. The last thing a club-hopping Vegas guy like Joe needs is 200k female Instagram followers. I have a feeling that five years from now we’re going to see a collaboration between Joe and someone from The Jersey Shore on a show called “Celebrity STD Club.”
Joey is a 33-year-old finance manager who claims to have spent his 20s having adventures. His greatest adventure is the path the barber took with the part on his head. I’ve seen this haircut a bunch and I honestly don’t get it. What does it look like when he wakes up? Is this really popular with geometry fans?! How do you even ask for this?! “Hey! Give me a line like the one on my ASICS sneakers!”
John Paul Jones
Ya John Paul Jones is 24 and goes by John Paul Jones and only drinks champagne. Judging by his bio, he came on this show to be the villain. He’s already doing a great job. His face is really tough for me to look at without clenching my fist. I honestly can’t believe that in 2019 someone who looks like JPJ is allowed on TV. I feel like we’re going to read an article about how someone felt triggered by his presence. The headline will be “Guy Who Looks Like The Mascot For White Privilege Is Triggering Students At Colby College.”
Jonathan is a 27-year-old server who says religion plays a “very important role” in his life. I have no relation to that quote. Nothing against religion. I just don’t know what I’d say if a producer was like “What plays a very important role in your life?” I’d be like, “Umm I don’t know. I guess it’s important for a restaurant to have those bathrooms that are their own room and the sinks are communal so you can sit on the toilet for a while without people realizing that you’ve been in there twenty minutes. And family. Family is important too I guess. But really that type of bathroom is the best.”
Kevin is a 27-year-old behavioral health specialist who helps vets deal with trauma. Kevin seems great. But there’s one thing about Kevin that seems horrible: it says that he’d like to travel more but he won’t go anywhere that doesn’t have an available gym. I can’t imagine traveling with this guy. You wake up to go to the beach and he’s packing up protein and lifting gloves into a backpack to go to a gym he found in the Dominican. You decide to have a couple drinks as he sits in front of you drinking water from a gallon jug. You say, “Skip the gym today! Let’s go jet skiing!” And Kevin’s like, “IT’S CALF DAY!”
Luke P is a import/export manager from Georgia who says he had a religious awakening in college. It seems like there’s two types of men on this season’s cast—religious, and someone who might spit on a church—without any in-between. It’s like one of the producers decided they wanted to see who would win: God, or everyone who has ever ordered bottle service at Lavo.
Luke is a 29-year-old political consultant who says he’s a tequila expert. I’m not even sure what that means. I’m annoyed by Luke. He looks like a toddler whose mom dressed him up for church. He also claims he hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush. The whole bio is annoying. I’m imagining Luke at a bar in Adams Morgan telling his story about that time he almost scored with EmRata. He sips on a mezcal and then comments on the smokiness. The thought of it makes my blood boil. I want to follow him around and interrupt every time he brings up that story. He’s like “Ya, so Emily totally blushed” and I jump in like, “NO NO NO. Women blush when they don’t want to talk to you. She probably was wondering why a model for The Gap Kids was talking to her.” Then I’d walk out of the restaurant, get into my Nissan Sentra and listen to Dave Matthews until Luke goes to another bar.
Matt Donald is the name that this guy is going with. Ya, I don’t know either. He’s a 26-year-old medical device salesman who has deaf family members so he’ll definitely be signing “Nice to meet you” or something when he gets out of the limo.” If it were me I’d sign, “I just farted” and say it was “Nice to meet you” just to have fun with the people at home. But that’s just me.
Matt Donald (yes that’s his name) says he’s an old-fashioned guy. That should be the biggest red flag for women. Saying you’re an “old-fashioned guy” is the easiest way to lie to a woman. That puts it all on them to imagine what their version of old fashion means. He sells medical devices. He’s going on a tv show to meet his wife. He communicates with his mouth, hands, and a computer in his pocket. I don’t think there’s anyone less old-fashioned than Matt Donald (that’s his name). He’ll end up not texting for a week and then you’ll call him out on it and he’ll say he’s old-fashioned while he’s busy on a dating app. You know, just like the guys in the fifties.
Each season one guy has a bio that goes a bit viral and Matteo is this season’s guy. Matteo is a sperm donor who helped create 114 children. He’s basically patient zero for 23 And Me. What people are overlooking is why his sperm has been used so much. He’s a mechanical engineer who graduated from Georgia Tech (legit). He’s a good-looking guy. He’s exactly what all of you would choose from a book of sperm. His sperm gets you into college, graduates you at the top of your class, makes you hirable, and lets you eat whatever you want while keeping those bottom abs that create the V towards your groin. Don’t blame Matteo for being the perfect specimen. Blame yourself and your sperm nobody would ever want.
Matthew is 23, and his bio says that he works at his family’s auctioneering company. Then it says that he’s working on a real estate license. And finally, the bio says that he’d like to work at his family’s winery. So what the hell is going on? I’ll tell you. Matthew is a “waiter.” Not at a restaurant. He’s waiting on his parents to die so he can collect their money and stop spending his days looking busy. And due to that, we’re going to be seeing a lot of Matthew for the next two years. He’ll be on this show and then paradise and then he’ll disappear. If you ever look around three years from now and think “Whatever happened to Matthew?” Know that his parents passed away and he retired to their winery.
Mike’s bio reads like it was made to make a woman so hot that she slips off her chair. He’s an Air Force vet who has been to 30 countries and he wants to learn Mandarin. All it’s missing is that he’s a nationally-ranked cunnilingus giver. I feel like he was created in a lab to have sex with all the women.
Peter is a 27-year-old pilot. His bio is pretty normal. It talks about his dad being a pilot too and football and his grandma’s name is Rose and how his life motto is “you should live this life always expecting something great is about to happen to you.” And then wayyy at the end it says, “Peter still lives at home.” It’s almost like that was something Peter wanted to leave out! Peter needs to change his life motto. It should be something like “Live this life at home, where the rent is free, and mommy makes your bed!”
Ryan looks like every guy you’ve ever done coke with in college. I didn’t even read his bio. I just can’t shake this feeling he’s about to yell at me about his app idea.
Scott is a 28-year-old software salesman from Chicago. I swear he’s every guy in their twenties that I’ve ever met from Chicago. His bio says he likes to day drink on rooftops while watching sports with his buddies. Oh really Scott?! Do you do that in Old Town?! I bet you he likes the Cubs and goes to the HangeeUppee late at night even though he knows the place is a joke. Over the summer he gets a lake house and one weekend a winter he goes to a cabin. His family is from outside the city and he loves to tell people that Au Cheval is overrated. He used to be into CrossFit but now he’s really concentrating on Keto. Am I right? Oh I’m exactly right? Ok let’s move on.
Thomas played pro basketball internationally and now lives in Detroit. His basketball nickname was “Mr. Fourth Quarter” which is way better than my college nickname, “Mr. CumsQuickly ApologizesProfusely.”
Tyler is a 26-year-old general contractor from Jupiter, Florida. I love his bio because it so severely misreads how we would react. It literally says:
Don’t let Tyler C.’s good looks fool you. This stud has his MBA from Florida Atlantic University and kills it as a general contractor in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida
An MBA from Florida Atlantic?! Let me put on my makeup!!! Attention ladies!! The king of Jupiter, Florida is about to arrive!! Prepare your classiest Publix Sub order!!!
Tyler G is a 28-year-old psychology grad student from Boca. If I’m another contestant on the show, I don’t want a future psychologist walking around. I’d be afraid he was there as a mole for his thesis. Something like “The Lengths People Will Stoop For Instagram.” He’ll randomly talk to you with weird hypotheticals like, “Hey man! If Hannah were an Instagram story that got a larger than normal audience, is that something you’d be happy about?” And “Hey man! Do you ever lose feeling in your legs from pooping too long because of your phone?” And you’d be like “What?!” And Tyler is just like, “Just wondering. No worries.”
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Images: ABC (32)
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