Sometime last year, we blew apart your understanding of pop culture icons such as Betty White, Ricky Gervais, Bob Ross, and Alex Jones, and revealed that you would have totally wanted to bang their younger selves. Yes, the “They’re turning the frogs gay” guy. That’s how powerfully erotic our writing is.
So we thought we’d take another shot and ruin/enlighten you by revealing the hidden pasts of more famous people — hidden pasts you’ll want to print out and take to the nearest restroom.
Charlie Chaplin Out Of Costume, Ooh Boy
It’s difficult to think of Charlie Chaplin as being anything other than that creepy disjointed guy with the tiny fascist mustache and just, like, haunting eyes. We get that everyone is on their sexual journey and all, but we don’t even want to know if this gets your sexual juices flowing:
P.D JankensImagine a world in which Hitler copied his bowler hat instead.
As it turns out, however, remove all of that greasepaint and nightmares, and Chaplin transforms from “creepy old-timey subway lech” to … well, what’s your poison? He came in every flavor, from new age scoundrel / acoustic guitarist who’ll crash on your couch one night and leave you heartbroken when he skips town weeks later …
He was also pretty fine in his later years, when a career of writing cutting political satire caused him to transmogrify into a hotter Jon Stewart. There is one catch to this version, however: The FBI might accuse you of conspiring with the radical left and kick you out of the country.
Larry David is the genius who gave the world Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and, you know, isn’t that enough? He also looks like Doc Brown’s grumpier brother.
HBOOr like he definitely would have beaten Trump in the election.
In fact, for as long as he’s been in the public eye, he’s always kinda looked like this. That’s not a bad thing — it’s important to have an aesthetic, after all — but it’s a little weird that 2018 Larry David looks functionally similar to 1988 Larry David. It’s like he traveled back in time to change the course of established events and got trapped there, creating a temporal loop.
But if we rewind a few decades more …
University of Maryland*sexy slap bass music intensifies*
This intense young gentleman is Larry … sorry, Lawrence David during his time at University of Maryland, where he was apparently infiltrating College Republicans for a bit he was planning and got in waaay too deep. The premature combover is admittedly regrettable, but also irrelevant, since it’s impossible not to get lost in those eyes. And to prove our “undercover” theory, this is what he looked like before that, which is also nice if you dig the whole Weezer vibe:
University of MarylandWhat are those patches, though? Did he need hair implants already?
Richard Nixon Looked Like An ’80s Movie Jock
With a nickname like “Tricky Dick,” there are only two pathways, personality-wise. You can either throw your thang about like it’s on fire and the only thing that extinguishes it is vagina, or you could … well, go into politics.
Richard Nixon defied all expectations, however, and lived both of these lives. Or at least, that’s the impression we get from this photo, in which he’s cosplaying as that jock from every ’80s movie.
Whittier CollegeWe’re just surprised they’d already invented football back then, let alone cameras.
Look at him. You know he shook down comp-sci nerds for their tuition money, taught the chimps in the experimental psychology building to smoke, dismantled and reassembled the dean’s car inside the lunch hall, and was a babe magnet … irrespective of whether they already had a boyfriend, because that’s how T-Dick rolls.
Whittier CollegeIt was probably a poor decision to give wedgies to Woodward and Bernstein’s parents, though. Those guys could hold a grudge.
To most people, Jessica Walter is the acid-tongued Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development, or the, uh, also-acid-tongued Mallory Archer from Archer. She has a thing, we’re just sayin’.
To us, however, she’ll always be the baddie from Doctor Strange. No, not that one — the bizarre one from 1978 wherein she sashays around caves and magical dimensions wearing clothing that we’re guessing doesn’t provide much protection against the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak.
Universal TelevisionOr anything, come to think of it.
Fun fact: She also had a show in the ’70s in which she played a police detective in San Francisco and William Shatner guest-starred aaaaand we’re off to YouTube.
Louis Armstrong Looked Way Too Hot To Be That Talented
Louis Armstrong wore many hats. He was an icon whose rootin’-tootin’ jazz tunes defined an era. He was the first celebrity to be arrested for smoking pot. And he was a huge lover of laxatives, up to and including sending fans pictures of himself proving how well they worked.
Louis Armstrong“Now leave me alone. I’m gonna play with my trumpet.”
Between this and the fact that nearly every picture from his heyday sees him sporting the world’s puffiest pair of cheeks, it isn’t surprising that he never really cultivated a legacy as a sex object.
Louis ArmstrongHe looks like the actor they’d hire for a CW young Louis Armstrong show.
When he was younger, Satchmo was the classiest, suavest motherfluffer in every joint he worked — and he worked a lot of joints, metaphorically and literally, on his way to the top. That’s not to say that he wasn’t bad-looking in his old(er) age, but damn. A musical legend and a stone-cold fox? The dude hit the jackpot so spectacularly that the laxative thing was probably his attempt to shave off some coolness so that the rest of us could have a shot.
Danny Trejo Was Always Ripped
Machete star Danny Trejo might have the face of an angry scarecrow, but in his younger days … he looked exactly the same. So why is he here? Because his body was bangin’.
It’s easy to think that back in those days, he made his money as a gangbanger or a hustler or whatever other term you picked up from The Wire. That’s largely true, but he also ran a gardening business with a friend, which is where we imagine this amazing photo from 1980 was taken. We are using the term “business” loosely, however; as it turns out, they didn’t even have any tools except for maybe that spade and definitely the tightest pair of shorts in the hood.
Danny TrejoWhen you’re so intimidated by your buddy’s muscles that you have to pull out the ol’ hover hand.
By 1990, Trejo was playing bit-part gangsters in productions like Death Wish 4, Bail Out, and Maniac Cop 2, but he still found time to hang out with his old friends and do what all manly man men do in their downtime: stand around in tight denim with no shirts on.
Christopher Walken Was An Angel Of Flesh And Blood
Christopher Walken has one of the most distinctive (read: “ugly”) faces in Hollywood. He looks like someone modeled him specifically to play deranged wackos and villains, but then he rebelled against his creators and started playing good guys too.
Well, to make up for giving you conflicting feelings about Nixon earlier, we’re going to do you a favor now. Here, you now want to bang Christopher Walken.
This picture was taken during Walken’s formative years, when he was eking out a living by modelling for Gap … oh wait, that’s not right. He was a freaking lion tamer who spent every night telling an apex predator to do tricks unless it wanted to hear the crack of a whip, those lucky beasts. As we’re jerks, however, and we understand that some of you have jobs to go to, allow us to dampen your passions by showing hisothercircus look.