Another Golden Globes has come and passed, bringing us to another week of —or as I like to call it now, . If I have to endure an entire season of cheaters cheating and us, the viewers, meant to be surprised about it, I will probably start copying and pasting one identical recap into each week’s article and just changing the names. I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting 3LW’s classic hit, “Playas Gon’ Play” and adapting it for the current situation.
Cheaters, they gon’ cheat
And eaters, they gonna eat
And that’s all she wrote. To answer your question, no, I will not be quitting my day job.
I didn’t watch the last five minutes of last week’s episode (sue me), and just to give you a quick recap: Lisa is mad because she went out to the woods to officiate Katie and Tom’s wedding. I, too, would be mad if I got eaten alive by bugs for a sham marriage. Tom Sandoval repeats “I’m not defending him” while simultaneously defending Tom. This cheating rumor supposedly causes Lisa to reconsider Tom Tom, supposedly because it speaks to his trustworthiness, but really because Lisa is determined to drag this storyline out as long as possible. And still, through all this, nobody told Schwartz that claiming not to remember an event is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. Well I guess technically in some cases you can plead temporary insanity if you like, commit a murder while you’re blacked out? IDK, I think I saw that on an episode of once. I am not a lawyer.
We open with Sandoval telling Jax that Schwartz did him a favor by taking the heat off him, which furthers my theory/the objective truth that these guys cheat on their S.O.s with reckless abandon and all cover for each other.
Jax bought a motorized cooler, and honestly I want one. There’s a powwow with everyone and I think Carter makes his first appearance. Katie tells Tom that this is the last time that he’s going to get blackout drunk and cheat on her anymore because he’s not going to get blackout drunk anymore. Schwartz says, “Yeah, given how badly I fucked up that’s a very reasonable boundary; I recognize I have a drinking problem and will fix it.” PSYCH! Schwartz says, “You’re not going to tell me what to do!” And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Schwartz prioritizes getting blackout drunk over his wife. And y’all called us mean and bitter when we dared question the longevity of this marriage.
At SUR, Jax and Brittany are a little more cordial than I’d like, given that he just cheated on her like, 30 seconds ago. They agree to throw a joint housewarming party so that Jax’s friends can’t talk shit about him in his presence. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Brittany should be dating a football player or some other kind of rich athlete, not this 40-year-old sociopath who’s more silicone than actual human flesh at this point.
Katie pulls Lala aside to rightfully ask her why she never said anything about Tom cheating on Katie, and Lala admits it’s because Katie was talking shit about her “relationship”. Katie’s excuse boils down to, “That’s true but I didn’t think Scheana would tell you.”
Apparently throughout the night, wasted Schwartz kept calling Lala’s friend “Bubba”. Does he just call every girl that? Or was he so drunk he can’t tell his wife apart from some random bitch? Stay tuned for more developments from Schwartz’s low-key alcoholism.
I just have to point out that we know these cast members hardly actually work at SUR, and yet somehow they’re finding time to pull Lisa aside every 30 seconds to have therapy about their personal problems. Katie starts to open up to Lisa about the rumors, and Lisa immediately makes it about her.
Lisa: But how does this affect ME and my figurative marriage? Think about how this jeopardizes my business partnership!
Right, Lisa. You’re really the one who’s most affected by this right now.
The Toms and Jax are attending a paint and sip class during broad daylight, WITH ABSINTHE. That’s exactly what you should be doing when you JUST cheated on your wife because you got blacked out.
Schwartz: Katie said no shots forever, she didn’t say no shots of absinthe.
Schwartz: This is just temporary probation, this isn’t a life sentence.
If my husband EVER referred to our marriage as “temporary probation” ON FUCKING CAMERA, he’d be my ex-husband before you could say “post-nuptials”.
It’s still so weird watching Kristen be sympathetic to Brittany when she effectively broke up Jax and Stassi’s relationship. I’m just waiting to see what she has planned. Also, Katie is SERIOUSLY under-reacting to Schwartz cheating on her. In true Katie fashion, she is mad at Scheana for telling Lala she talked shit about her relationship, which in turn “triggered” Lala to spread the cheating rumors. And not, you know, her good-for-nothing husband for cheating on her for the umpteenth time.
Apparently the night of some Vanderpump Dogs party, Rob Valletta aka Scheana’s boyfriend made out with someone. What is in the water in LA? I thought dating in New York was rough. Jesus. So you’re telling me once I DO find a guy, I gotta worry about him making out with every bitch he lays eyes on? *Switches Hinge preferences to women*
It’s about time for Scheana’s mandated screen time with Rob. In 30 seconds, she talks about how big Rob’s house is, how big his kitchen is, and how he’s “a real man”. I never thought I’d ever sympathize with a drug addict, but damn, I hope Shay isn’t seeing this. Also, how does Rob afford this? I’ve literally never heard of him before his connection to Scheana.
Scheana: With Rob, I’m having a gorgeous dinner in Beverly Hills. With Shay I ate microwave dinners.
She really took that whole “for better or for worse, richer or poorer” thing seriously, huh?
Sandoval: I’m looking at Rob and I’m like, “he’s tall, he’s successful, he’s catered this awesome dinner, he smells good, I wonder if he’d suck my dick?”
I feel like if Schwartz and Sandoval just came out already it would save all of the women on this show so much grief.
Tom asks Ariana multiple times AT THE DINNER TABLE, IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE if they can have sex tonight, so yeah, I can see why Ariana doesn’t want to have sex with him.
Scheana is still married on paper to Shay while she’s dating Rob. *whispers* I called it. And yet everyone ostracized Lala for doing literally the exact same thing?
Schwartz comes in with a painting of Sandoval as an anime character and says “this is my way of apologizing for all the shit I put you through for the past few days.”
Katie’s trying to set some serious and much-needed boundaries, and Schwartz just whispers “I love Jager” and “I need my boys’ nights.” Wowwowowow. Ok. Y’all need to give me a minute before I have a rage blackout. So let me get this straight, Schwartz: You black out and you cheat on your wife and your solution is to… keep blacking out? Sometimes I do wonder if this storyline was manufactured purely to make Katie look better after last season.
Ariana and Lala are shopping, and honestly all I care about is who’s paying for this and where I find this hoe-ass store. I need some lace-up jeans in my life.
Lala: I just think it’s fucked up that so many men in relationship fuck every Harry, Dick and Tom and Tom’s hairy dick.
You mean like your boyfriend???
Ariana tells Lala that she doesn’t want anyone touching her vagina. I was going to make a joke about her needing to go to the gyno, but then she revealed that she was seriously abused and it gives her a lot of anxiety, and honestly, there’s not a joke in that. But like, does Tom know about it? Cause like… he should. And if he does, he’s even worse for basically threatening to cheat on Ariana over a few months of inaction. the reason I have trust issues.
Lala: My mom taught me to thank every part of my body, even though my pores are huge and I have really bad breath in the morning.
Lala also said on camera that her “kitty cat” “takes that D like a champ.” I am going to need to take a lap before I unpack everything wrong in that one statement. *Dials 911*
Lisa takes Schwartz upstairs at the dog place to talk about the cheating and she says “If you didn’t remember, you wouldn’t be saying ‘mea culpa!’” Lisa, I think “mea culpa” is a little too advanced for this idiot. He also can’t say that he takes his relationship with his wife seriously with a straight face. That is sad. I hope Katie saw this.
SERIOUSLY, Schwartz’s apology for CHEATING ON KATIE is “I’m sorry I hurt you.” What about “I’m sorry I cheated on you”? What about “I’m sorry I betrayed our eternal vows”? What about “I’ll take every step to ensure I never do it again”? Am I the only one who’s taking this seriously?
Kristen, Brittany and Scheana are preparing for Brittany’s party to tell Scheana that Rob kissed a hostess at Toca Madera. Scheana starts laughing immediately and is like, “I know this is bullshit.” I’m kind of with Scheana. I mean, what’s his timeline? He goes from the party to Toca Madera, walks in and kisses someone who then calls him out on his relationship, and then he shows up at the after party? Is this dude Usain Bolt? How is he getting around the city and macking on girls before anyone even notices he’s gone?
Kristen says Scheana is being fake because she’s choosing not to believe Katie’s word. I can see now why Scheana doesn’t bother fucking with these people. However, I cannot see why Scheana’s extensions are longer than my will to live.
Jax: I think the only way Scheana would notice if Rob cheated on her would be if he was in the background of one of her selfies.
Say what you want about Jax, but his observations about other people’s relationships are always spot on.
It’s been two minutes and Scheana is already talking about how happy she is with Rob and how she can’t wait to buy a house with Rob one day. Bitch calm down, you’ve been dating for like, 3 hours.
This party has officially descended into debauchery. Lala’s hair is braided. James is freestyling. I wish I had been invited.
Jax is having a heart-to-heart and Brittany walks in, slurring about how she wants Jax to talk to her. She can barely form a sentence but she does manage to tell her that she loves him, and he sarcastically applauds and tells her she won an Oscar. This guy suuuuccccckkkksssss.
Apparently there’s a recording of Jax telling Faith he’s never going to marry Brittany? What the fuck? Is Faith a police detective? What kind of one-woman sting operation is she running? Lala and Brittany decide that NOW is the perfect time to tell Brittany about the audio recording. BUT Y THO? You’re just gonna have to tell her again when she’s not blackout.
So Bravo is really not gonna play the audio for us? Wow, how are they gonna do us like this? Brittany comes in, drunkenly slurring about how much of a piece of shit Jax is, telling him he can rot in hell, and he leaves. And that’s the end of the episode. Personally, I think this recap was one of my best yet, but feel free to disagree with me in the comments.