Can You Survive A Zombie Apocalypse?

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Here is the city where you work. Gleaming towers of steel and glass form the vast machine of industry. You are a cog in the machine.

Here is the desk where you complete your daily drudgery. By doing business tricks onto your computer, you earn profits for your company. This is society’s plan for you, and it is boring and unfair.

It would be really great if society suffered a bad accident and stopped existing. Then you’d be free from all this office tedium, and every day would be an exciting adventure for survival.

Well, at the moment, society is still going on. You have the whole workday ahead of you and plenty of boring time to kill. What do you want to do?

You’re still at the boring desk of your boring job. What do you want to do?

You spend some time doing work, entering business tricks into your computer and making good numbers.

From outside, you hear the blaring sound of many police sirens.

Data gets computed and you input the info. This is all very good for your company.

A military helicopter flies by your window. It looked like a few people were clinging to the outside of it.

The stockholders are going to nod their heads when they learn about what you’re doing. They will say, “Great, that is some business.”

There seems to be some kind of commotion down the hall. A man utters an anguished scream that suddenly gets cut off.

You are churning piles of profit. Dividends are blasting nonstop.

A shrieking woman covered in bloody bite marks runs past your desk.

Your productivity gets interrupted by Brad from IT, who lurches into your cubicle with arms outstretched. He begins slowly walking toward your neck.

Brad doesn’t say anything. He grabs your shoulder and lowers his teeth into your skin.

It turns out that Brad was a zombie, and rather than fix your computer, he bites off your stomach. Now, all your guts are hanging out like this. Everyone will be able to see your intestines, which is really embarrassing, and also you die.

On the bright side, you’ve learned that you could not survive a zombie apocalypse. So at least you know that now.

“Have you heard about this zombie thing that’s happening?” says Raul.

“Zombies are everywhere all of a sudden,” explains Raul. “They’re doing standard zombie things, like eating people and being disruptive.”

“Yeah,” says Raul.

“Probably,” agrees Raul.

“I’d love to come with you, but I’m really swamped with work,” says Raul. “My plan is to finish up here and try surviving in a few hours. Good luck though.”

“A zombie is a type of person that’s okay to shoot.”

Your office is eerily quiet, other than the constant loud sounds of moaning and chewing and screaming. Too quiet.

You are still in your office, which if you haven’t noticed yet, is full of zombies. It would probably be smart to find a way out.

Of course, the elevators! These moving metal coffins could be your ticket to freedom.

When the elevator doors open, there’s a fire marshal inside, and he moves to block the entrance.

“You can’t come in here!” he shouts at you. “An emergency is going on. Right now! It’s not safe to ride an elevator in an emergency. That’s fire safety 101.”

“Imagine if you rode the elevator and the power went out,” he continues. “Then you’d be stuck in the elevator. Then, imagine a fire started. You’d be stuck in the elevator with the fire. Now, imagine the fire started burning you. You’d get burned. That’s why elevators and zombies don’t mix!”

“Yes. Please don’t tell anyone or I’ll lose my job.”

“Thank you, and I’m sorry you can’t ride in this death box. It’s for your own protection.”

“Here’s a tip you might find useful: Stairs are not elevators.”

“Aw, jeez, you’ve put me in a real tight spot,” says the fire marshal. “Fine, you can use the elevator, but make it quick.” He steps aside and lets you enter.

You die in an elevator fire and learn a valuable lesson: Fire safety rules exist for a reason.

The good news is that zombies didn’t kill you, so technically, you survived the zombie apocalypse by dying in an elevator first. Congrats!

“Fire is wood’s ghost.”

“Zombies are occurring now,” says Raul. “Looks like society is busted.”

You log into your favorite place to not achieve work, the World Web of Websites, or www for short. There are hundreds of good websites to check out whenever you don’t want to accomplish anything at your job.

You enter the web address, but instead of displaying your beloved website, the screen just shows a message from the Emergency Broadcast System.

After a moment, President Obama appears on your monitor.

“My fellow Americans,” Obama says, “I have hijacked the web to let you know that society is over. It’s because of zombies, the problem we expected.”

“A zombie is a variety of dead cannibal, and it’s legal to murder them,” continues the president. “In fact, it’s legal to do everything, because laws don’t exist anymore! Go nuts in the street and loot and kill all you want. This is a zombie apocalypse, so make the most of it. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”

“I’m still here, but I’m done talking now,” Obama says. He folds his hands together and silently stares at the camera.

Hundreds of zombies roam the streets below your office building. You watch as they swarm over a police car, smash through the windows, and drag a shrieking police officer out to devour alive.

The hallway to the stairs is blocked by a row of your coworkers who are now zombies. It’s a good thing they haven’t noticed you yet, or they would probably be trying to eat you.

It would be fun to murder them all, but there are too many for you to kill by yourself. Attacking them would be suicide, and not the good kind of suicide like in Romeo And Juliet. You’ll have to find some other way of getting past them.

You bravely charge at your undead coworkers, flailing your weak fists at their hungry mouths. When you get closer, the zombies grab onto your skin and peel it off your guts, revealing your intestines for all the world to see. It’s extremely humiliating because everyone will be able to see what’s going on inside your ass. Worst of all, it kills you.

The zombies ignore your firm request and pounce on top of you. Even saying, “Seriously now, cut it out” doesn’t stop them from eating you alive.

The horde grabs your skin and peels it off your guts, revealing your intestines for all the world to see. It’s extremely humiliating because everyone will be able to see what’s going on inside your ass. Worst of all, it kills you.

A crowd of your surviving coworkers are holding a party in the break room. Delicious snacks are arranged on the tables, and wine flows freely.

Your boss greets you. “We know about the zombies already, but we figured that we’ll probably die no matter what we do. So, why not go out with a huge end of the world party? We’re having a blast boozing and sexually harassing each other, which is now okay at the office because laws don’t exist anymore. Care to join us?”

“Wonderful,” says your boss. “Pour yourself a glass, and please feel free to sexually harass me. It’s totally fine.”

“Fantastic,” he says. “Now I’m going to sexually harass you. Here goes. Get ready. I am thinking about sex right now. Okay, that was it.”

You spend your remaining minutes mingling with coworkers and sexually harassing each other. Before the wine runs out, the room is swarmed by zombies, and all the revelers, including you, suffer excruciating deaths. You may not have survived the zombie apocalypse, but you certainly lived it to its fullest. Congratulations!

You duck into the men’s bathroom, a place for the body to do its secret shame. There isn’t a way to escape the building here, but it’s as decent a hiding place as any.

You treat the tile walls to the sound of your rich, melodious voice and play air guitar during the chorus. You’re in the middle of rocking when a zombie crawls out of a stall and starts dragging himself toward you. This one is pretty slow; you could probably leave without any trouble.

You tuck the zombie’s legs around your neck and run around the bathroom making whooshing and zooming noises. The undead creature is helplessly dragged behind you, and his forehead makes squeaky noises from rubbing across the floor.

You shove toilet paper down the thrashing zombie’s throat, and then bow to the urinals, which you pretend are the audience at a zoo show.

You unzip your clothing and release a blast of urine all over the zombie, laughing cruelly while it flails in the briny liquid.

Then, suddenly, without any warning other than it being a zombie, the zombie reaches up and grabs your urination parts.

The zombie is too strong for you to escape. It tugs on your urination parts so hard that they rip off, and then all your intestines fall out of the hole onto the floor where everyone will be able to see them. It’s mortifying, to say the least, and also you die.

You enter the women’s bathroom, a sad palace where bodies unleash their secret shame.

There is a strange shuffling sound coming from one of the stalls.

You look in a stall and discover a female kickboxer training inside. She’s busy practicing her moves, shadowboxing and performing roundhouse kicks at the air.

She stops when she notices you. “Hey, what’s up? I’m Amanda from marketing. My job is marketing, but my real passion is kickboxing. I spend every workday in this bathroom training for a zombie apocalypse in hopes that it will one day happen and I’ll get to put my incredible kickboxing skills to use. Unfortunately, zombies are not happening, and maybe they never will.” She sighs sadly.

“Good, I’m glad about this zombie situation,” says Amanda the kickboxer. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“The exit is probably blocked with zombies, but I can clear a path with my punching skills. Want to leave the building with me?”

“Okay, take your time,” says Amanda. “Just remember to come back to the women’s bathroom when you want to leave the building. I’m your only way out.”

“Also, I have sustained many concussions from my kickboxing hobby and suffered serious brain damage, so I won’t remember that we talked and we’ll have to have this conversation all over again.”

You and Amanda head to the stairs, but you find the hallway blocked by a row of zombies. Hopefully her kickboxing skills are up to the task.

Amanda hesitates and turns to you.

“I need your help,” she says. “I’ve suffered a lot of concussions from kickboxing, which caused intense brain damage inside my brain. Could you remind me what a fist is? I don’t remember, and I need to know that for making punches.”

“Oh, right…that’s what a fist is!” She smiles. “I know how to do that.”

She transforms her hands into fists and pummels all the zombies senseless. Unfortunately, punches alone can’t kill a zombie, and they keep standing back up as soon as she knocks them down.

“This is a dream come true,” says Amanda. “I’ve always wanted to punch people, and now I have to. You go onI’ll stay and have a great time fighting these zombies.”

While Amanda keeps the zombies busy, you’ll be able to slip past and reach the stairs.

Zombies are shambling all around the street, being rude and having gross faces. Avoiding horrific death will be a delightful challenge. If you run, you can slip through them and go wherever you want in the city.

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