You Are Lin-Manuel Miranda! Can You Avoid Blowing All Your Hamilton Money At The Mall?

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You are acclaimed composer, playwright, and actor Lin-Manuel Miranda. Your musical Hamilton won 11 Tony Awards including Best Musical, plus the Grammy for Best Musical Theater Album and the Pulitzer Prize for Drama.

It seems like Hamilton must be doing pretty well financially. The theater is always sold out, and you’re pretty sure you’re getting a percentage of the ticket sales.

You’re not really sure how much money you have in your bank account at this point. It’s been years since you bothered to check the balance. You gave your bank info to a Hamilton HR person, and they set up an auto-pay thingy for you when the show first opened. However, after years of Hamilton performing sold-out shows to rave reviews, you assume you’ve probably earned enough money to afford a trip to the mall.

Still, it’s better to be safe than sorry. You should check with a financial adviser to make sure the mall is within your budget.

The mall is a gleaming palace of commerce, a paradise where dozens of stores coexist in the ultimate shopping experience. You’ve never been to the mall, but you’ve heard that anything can be bought there.

Since you were a little boy growing up in Manhattan, years before you wrote and starred in your first Tony-winning musical, 2008’s In The Heights, you dreamt of one day visiting the mall and going on a shopping spree. Apparently, there is even a court filled with food if you get hungry while you shop.

The mall apparently can be pretty expensive though, which is why you haven’t tried visiting until you stowed away a little nest egg by having the most popular musical in the world. It’s taken decades of hard work to become an internationally renowned Broadway star, but now perhaps, finally, it will pay off with a trip to the mall.

You head to the nearest financial adviser you can find, an accountant that owns a tax-preparation storefront called “TAXES DONE QUICK” near Times Square, wedged between a Dunkin’ Donuts and a CVS pharmacy.

The accountant recognizes you when you walk in. “Wow, you’re Lin-Manuel Miranda. What are you doing here?”

“Wow. Okay. I usually just file taxes for normal people that aren’t fabulously wealthy Tony Award winners, but sure, I’m happy to give it a shot.” The accountant whips out a calculator and starts trying to piece together the puzzle of pay stubs, royalty checks, and MacArthur Genius Grants you’ve presented him with.

“This will take a little while. Can I offer you a cup of sparkling water while you wait?”

The account fills up a glass of sparkling water and hands it to you. It’s ice cold and crisp.

“Suit yourself. All right, I better start figuring this out.”

The sparkling water is ice cold and crisp.

You rap about sparkling water. The accountant blinks, then fills up a cup of sparkling water and silently slides it across the desk.

The accountant stares at you for a couple seconds, then after an awkward silence gives a few polite claps of applause.

You take a small sip of sparkling water.